- Traveling for two weeks to England only requires one suitcase, even in the coldest of months. Anything more than one suitcase will simply become irritating as you schlep it around the United Kingdom.
- Patience is a virtue--to be blatantly disregarded if you have been waiting in an airport for more than five hours.
- Flying first class makes up for the aforementioned lack of patience.
- When you are pretty sure your dog has swallowed something foreign, but you are not sure exactly what that is, it is acceptable to take him to the emergency vet at 2am to ease your mind.
- When the dog above greets you after a long day with a wag of his tail and a kiss, it is completely appropriate for your heart to melt.
- Manners are essential and those who do not possess them can piss off.
- A man who does not know you who waits for you in a parking lot with an umbrella when he sees that you do not have one and are struggling with all of your accouterments qualifies for sainthood.
- It is reasonable to have no idea whatsoever what the appeal of NASCAR is.
- Brothers are the best, especially when they grow up to be really good men.
- Tears of relief are acceptable when a friend does your yard work for you without asking and the burden of doing this by yourself is lifted.
- A bullshit threshold that lowers exponentially as age increases is normal.
- A refrigerator that is bare is simply a sign that you are busy, not an indication that you are a terrible grown-up.
- Plants that survive solely because they are on a sprinkler drip system is no reflection on you as a person.
- A dog's snoring is one of the most peaceful sounds on earth.
- It is normal to wonder if you could ever possibly listen to all two thousand songs on your iPod.
- Parents that love and support you no matter what are never to be taken for granted.
- Friends that move into your house so that you can chase your dreams are remarkable and humbling.
- It is acceptable to be a hopeless romantic and believe in the kind of love that has two people holding hands when they're ninety.
- Teaching a child to lock doors for safety will absolutely get you locked out of the house.
- Teaching someone to believe in themselves is fantastic.
- It is fair to expect that people will know the difference between a country and a continent.
- It is always a good idea to buy yourself flowers.
- A Blackberry is an essential part of life.
- It is just fine to buy paper towels at Costco if you are the only person living in your house.
- It is completely normal to rearrange a room full of furniture only to end up with everything in the exact place it was when you started.
- Jeans that fit you like they were made for you are an essential wardrobe component.
- Really cute shoes are worth the suffering.
- Beginning to really believe that second chances are possible is amazing.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Reflection
As the year 2009 draws to a close, a reflective mood has appeared. A list of lessons learned over the last year and things to be thankful for has been formulating over the last few days, so here it is:
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Sudafed and Gift Wrapping
Who knew this was such an amazing combo? One of the side effects of Sudafed is apparently the immediate ability to wrap as many gifts as possible in a very short amount of time.
Oz seems pleased with the results.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Emily Post Would Be Appalled
As a frequent traveler, I am unexpectedly amazed at the complete lack of etiquette that people exhibit while doing so. Air transportation is not a novelty at this point; one might assert that it has actually shifted to the category of the mundane. That being said, it is certainly zygotic when compared with common courtesy.
It appears as though some may need a refresher course in this area. Allow me to share some tips:
1. If you are traveling with your immediate, extended and twice-removed family members, kindly have your identification, passport, letter of release from the insane asylum, or permission slip ready for each member of your party before approaching the check-in counter. This makes the fact that you and your party will be taking up half the plane much easier to bear if you quickly get out of the way.
2. Once approaching the security checkpoint, please keep the following tips in mind: everything you have must be examined. Yes, everything. This means your Army-issue tactical belt that you insist on wearing with your jeans will need to come off. Please be assured that your pants will be fine while moving through the short line for x-ray screening. In addition, ladies (or perhaps gentlemen, to be completely inclusive), you must realize that your explanation that your crème foundation is a department store brand that cost $40, and the subsequent hissy fit that follows your being told to discard it because it violates the three-ounce rule will only piss off the people waiting in line behind you.
3. If you approach an airport eatery, be aware that the people who work there probably hate their jobs. Ideally, they should suck it up and be nice. But they won’t. So don’t special order a pizza or cinnamon roll when you can see that they are already made. This will just cause one of these charming employees to spit in your food.
4. Once on the airplane, please find your seat as quickly as possible. While it is oh-so-pleasant to be in a tin can in close proximity to two hundred other people, we are all just as eager as you to socialize. The problem is that we are stuck on an airplane walkway in 110-degree heat and waiting for your slow ass to sit down.
5. If you are inclined to sleep during the flight, please do so silently. Your snoring, while clearly charming to someone at home, is irritating to the aforementioned two hundred people now forced to share your slumber. In addition, if ever in your life someone has mentioned that you snore, believe him or her. Kindly brush your teeth so that when you sit in your seat with your head thrown back in oblivion, the rest of the passengers do not have to smell what you had for lunch.
6. Once in your seat, kindly refrain from thrashing about, if at all possible. Those of us behind you do not appreciate the imminent danger of having our noses broken and are likely to shove you really hard completely accidentally while you are in the midst of sleeping. Please see #5.
7. If you are making a connection, expect that your flight will be late. This almost always happens. Knowing this is half the battle. Shamelessly crawling over children and elderly passengers to claw your way to the door when the plane arrives at the gate is simply bad manners and it makes us want to trip you to slow you down.
8. Please understand that if the shuttle says “Hertz” on the side, it is without a doubt not stopping at the Holiday Inn. This is a stupid question.
Now that you have been briefed, please feel free to employ these tips at your first opportunity.
It appears as though some may need a refresher course in this area. Allow me to share some tips:
1. If you are traveling with your immediate, extended and twice-removed family members, kindly have your identification, passport, letter of release from the insane asylum, or permission slip ready for each member of your party before approaching the check-in counter. This makes the fact that you and your party will be taking up half the plane much easier to bear if you quickly get out of the way.
2. Once approaching the security checkpoint, please keep the following tips in mind: everything you have must be examined. Yes, everything. This means your Army-issue tactical belt that you insist on wearing with your jeans will need to come off. Please be assured that your pants will be fine while moving through the short line for x-ray screening. In addition, ladies (or perhaps gentlemen, to be completely inclusive), you must realize that your explanation that your crème foundation is a department store brand that cost $40, and the subsequent hissy fit that follows your being told to discard it because it violates the three-ounce rule will only piss off the people waiting in line behind you.
3. If you approach an airport eatery, be aware that the people who work there probably hate their jobs. Ideally, they should suck it up and be nice. But they won’t. So don’t special order a pizza or cinnamon roll when you can see that they are already made. This will just cause one of these charming employees to spit in your food.
4. Once on the airplane, please find your seat as quickly as possible. While it is oh-so-pleasant to be in a tin can in close proximity to two hundred other people, we are all just as eager as you to socialize. The problem is that we are stuck on an airplane walkway in 110-degree heat and waiting for your slow ass to sit down.
5. If you are inclined to sleep during the flight, please do so silently. Your snoring, while clearly charming to someone at home, is irritating to the aforementioned two hundred people now forced to share your slumber. In addition, if ever in your life someone has mentioned that you snore, believe him or her. Kindly brush your teeth so that when you sit in your seat with your head thrown back in oblivion, the rest of the passengers do not have to smell what you had for lunch.
6. Once in your seat, kindly refrain from thrashing about, if at all possible. Those of us behind you do not appreciate the imminent danger of having our noses broken and are likely to shove you really hard completely accidentally while you are in the midst of sleeping. Please see #5.
7. If you are making a connection, expect that your flight will be late. This almost always happens. Knowing this is half the battle. Shamelessly crawling over children and elderly passengers to claw your way to the door when the plane arrives at the gate is simply bad manners and it makes us want to trip you to slow you down.
8. Please understand that if the shuttle says “Hertz” on the side, it is without a doubt not stopping at the Holiday Inn. This is a stupid question.
Now that you have been briefed, please feel free to employ these tips at your first opportunity.
Monday, July 27, 2009
It's Official
I am the worst excuse for a grown-up ever.
This evening my dinner consisted of a cup of raspberries and a cup of rice.
Not because I am on some weird diet, but rather because this was the best meal I could come up with with the food elements currently in my house.
I wish I could say that this is due to the fact that I am getting ready to do some traveling and I am purposely not buying any food products. But no. My refrigerator is usually pretty bare. Or has condiments that begin to look unsightly simply due to the mere fact that they are never used. It appears as though a bachelor in his mid-twenties lives at my house.
He does not.
If you hear a loud roaring noise in the west valley, don't be alarmed. It's simply one of those C-130 cargo planes used to deliver pallets of food to third world countries making a side trip to my house.
Whose services were no doubt retained by my mother.
This evening my dinner consisted of a cup of raspberries and a cup of rice.
Not because I am on some weird diet, but rather because this was the best meal I could come up with with the food elements currently in my house.
I wish I could say that this is due to the fact that I am getting ready to do some traveling and I am purposely not buying any food products. But no. My refrigerator is usually pretty bare. Or has condiments that begin to look unsightly simply due to the mere fact that they are never used. It appears as though a bachelor in his mid-twenties lives at my house.
He does not.
If you hear a loud roaring noise in the west valley, don't be alarmed. It's simply one of those C-130 cargo planes used to deliver pallets of food to third world countries making a side trip to my house.
Whose services were no doubt retained by my mother.
Friday, May 29, 2009
A Car Chase and A Cemetery
What do these two things have in common? Both were experienced on the same day.
I spent last weekend in Washington D.C. My brother lives in a nearby suburb and it was going to be a great opportunity spend some time with him and see some sights.
The first day was spent at the Smithsonian Museum of American History. NERD HEAVEN in a town that can effectively be referred to as the NERD UNIVERSE. Abraham Lincoln’s top hat was in the house, along with all of the hoods delicately placed over the heads of the people who conspired to assassinate him at the public hanging in which they were the guests of honor. It was nothing short of amazing.
Two days later, we went into Old Town Alexandria. We passed this really old church and stopped to look inside the gates. It was one of those old churches that have a cemetery on site. We examined that and then moved towards the side of the church that faced the street and had the front doors. This church, like many of the time, had two sets of front doors. Why? Because there was a separate entrance for the men and women. In this particular church, there are also two separate staircases inside each set of doors. In the eighteenth century, it was considered unseemly for a man to view a woman’s exposed ankles. So separate staircases were built so that when the men and women climbed the stairs to the upper level of the church, the men would be faced in the opposite direction so as not to view the ankles. Fascinating.
As we are pondering the concept of eighteenth century women’s ankles, all of a sudden we hear this loud roar of an engine. Before we know it, we are forced to jump back from the edge of the sidewalk because a white Econoline van is charging towards us.
The van is going approximately ninety miles an hour. Three police cruisers with full lights and sirens are following it. It is careening towards the heart of downtown Alexandria with no regard for red lights, crosswalks, or the people in them for that matter. This is a fatality waiting to happen.
We get in the car and follow what we know to be the path the van was taking before it moved out of sight. We are at any moment expecting to see a horrendous accident. We finally come upon the van several blocks down. There are fire trucks and ambulances along with several police cruisers at the scene of the van’s accident. At first glance, the scene looks very bad. The van has crashed into at least two cars. It soon becomes apparent; thankfully, that the only person this yahoo has hurt in this disaster is himself. He is given a police escort to the hospital in an ambulance. Bastard.
A drink is in order now.
We head towards the main drag in Alexandria and proceed to engage in a timeless ritual: the pub-crawl.
After several drinks (mostly water and diet coke for me) it is soon near midnight. The previous night we had tried to get to an old cemetery, but hadn’t made it. Tonight we were on our way.
Now would be a good time to own the fact that this was my idea. What a silly girl I am. What I had thought would be a great opportunity to take some cool photos of old headstones. This is a giant cemetery that has a Confederate soldier section as well. This wandering through the cemetery is a good idea—IN THE DAYLIGHT. The night version of the cemetery is very unsettling.
As we enter the cemetery it is eerily silent. Except for the rustling that we hear as we walk. When we stop, so does the noise. I tell myself that this is some squirrel with a ridiculously sick sense of humor that can sense my fear. I am immediately aware that this idea is one of the stupidest I have ever had. But apparently, I am now committed. I am informed that I must press on.
Crap.
Right about this time, I am informed that there is a ghost standing under the tree to my left. It is the silhouette of a man in a uniform and he puts his hand to his forehead and puts it back down. Then he is gone. As we move further into the cemetery, only the whites of my eyes illuminate the ground, as they are now as big as SAUCERS.
At this point I am no longer walking through the cemetery of my own free will. There is almost the need to carry me. I am being dragged.
There is a light over yonder. I am asked: “Would I like to go and check it out?”
NO @&%$-ING WAY.
At this point, this has been a very stressful day. A car chase and a visit to the cemetery are almost more than I can handle. And there is a decidedly cold feeling in the bottom of my chest, which I am becoming more and more convinced, is a ghost that is pissed off that I dared to walk in his final resting area in the first place.
I would like to go home please. As soon as possible. I wonder silently: “Is sprinting out of the cemetery disrespectful?”
I spent last weekend in Washington D.C. My brother lives in a nearby suburb and it was going to be a great opportunity spend some time with him and see some sights.
The first day was spent at the Smithsonian Museum of American History. NERD HEAVEN in a town that can effectively be referred to as the NERD UNIVERSE. Abraham Lincoln’s top hat was in the house, along with all of the hoods delicately placed over the heads of the people who conspired to assassinate him at the public hanging in which they were the guests of honor. It was nothing short of amazing.
Two days later, we went into Old Town Alexandria. We passed this really old church and stopped to look inside the gates. It was one of those old churches that have a cemetery on site. We examined that and then moved towards the side of the church that faced the street and had the front doors. This church, like many of the time, had two sets of front doors. Why? Because there was a separate entrance for the men and women. In this particular church, there are also two separate staircases inside each set of doors. In the eighteenth century, it was considered unseemly for a man to view a woman’s exposed ankles. So separate staircases were built so that when the men and women climbed the stairs to the upper level of the church, the men would be faced in the opposite direction so as not to view the ankles. Fascinating.
As we are pondering the concept of eighteenth century women’s ankles, all of a sudden we hear this loud roar of an engine. Before we know it, we are forced to jump back from the edge of the sidewalk because a white Econoline van is charging towards us.
The van is going approximately ninety miles an hour. Three police cruisers with full lights and sirens are following it. It is careening towards the heart of downtown Alexandria with no regard for red lights, crosswalks, or the people in them for that matter. This is a fatality waiting to happen.
We get in the car and follow what we know to be the path the van was taking before it moved out of sight. We are at any moment expecting to see a horrendous accident. We finally come upon the van several blocks down. There are fire trucks and ambulances along with several police cruisers at the scene of the van’s accident. At first glance, the scene looks very bad. The van has crashed into at least two cars. It soon becomes apparent; thankfully, that the only person this yahoo has hurt in this disaster is himself. He is given a police escort to the hospital in an ambulance. Bastard.
A drink is in order now.
We head towards the main drag in Alexandria and proceed to engage in a timeless ritual: the pub-crawl.
After several drinks (mostly water and diet coke for me) it is soon near midnight. The previous night we had tried to get to an old cemetery, but hadn’t made it. Tonight we were on our way.
Now would be a good time to own the fact that this was my idea. What a silly girl I am. What I had thought would be a great opportunity to take some cool photos of old headstones. This is a giant cemetery that has a Confederate soldier section as well. This wandering through the cemetery is a good idea—IN THE DAYLIGHT. The night version of the cemetery is very unsettling.
As we enter the cemetery it is eerily silent. Except for the rustling that we hear as we walk. When we stop, so does the noise. I tell myself that this is some squirrel with a ridiculously sick sense of humor that can sense my fear. I am immediately aware that this idea is one of the stupidest I have ever had. But apparently, I am now committed. I am informed that I must press on.
Crap.
Right about this time, I am informed that there is a ghost standing under the tree to my left. It is the silhouette of a man in a uniform and he puts his hand to his forehead and puts it back down. Then he is gone. As we move further into the cemetery, only the whites of my eyes illuminate the ground, as they are now as big as SAUCERS.
At this point I am no longer walking through the cemetery of my own free will. There is almost the need to carry me. I am being dragged.
There is a light over yonder. I am asked: “Would I like to go and check it out?”
NO @&%$-ING WAY.
At this point, this has been a very stressful day. A car chase and a visit to the cemetery are almost more than I can handle. And there is a decidedly cold feeling in the bottom of my chest, which I am becoming more and more convinced, is a ghost that is pissed off that I dared to walk in his final resting area in the first place.
I would like to go home please. As soon as possible. I wonder silently: “Is sprinting out of the cemetery disrespectful?”
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Cell Phones in the Loo
This has happened to me so many times, it can't be only myself that's experiencing the unimaginable. The bathroom is a place of quiet solitude. Having only been in the women's restroom, I can't attest to the atmosphere in the men's. However, the women's bathroom is fairly mute, interrupted only by the idle chatter that happens amongst women: "Oh hi! How are you?" or "Hi! Cute top! Where did you get that?"
That is, until the following happens:
RRRRIIIINNNNGGGGG!
Never mind that someone has brought their cell phone into the bathroom. For women, this might be easy to do if one brings their purse with them into the bathroom. But here's the appalling thing. Women are bringing just their cell phones into the bathroom. As someone addicted to her own Blackberry, I understand the need to get every text message and IM. But I draw the line at TAKING IT INTO THE BATHROOM.
I overheard a woman have an entire conversation revolving around her daughter's attendance with the front office at her child's school while she was using the restroom. During this conversation the attendance office no doubt heard the flushing of various toilets and the washing of hands. How does one explain this to the person on the other line? I imagine the conversation goes something like this:
Background noise: "FLUSH"
Attendance Office Worker: "What was that noise?"
Woman in Bathroom: Oh, nothing. Now about my daughter...she'll be out today"
Unbelievable.
Ladies, please leave your cell phones at your desk when you use the loo. No-one needs to hear the background noise. No-one.
That is, until the following happens:
RRRRIIIINNNNGGGGG!
Never mind that someone has brought their cell phone into the bathroom. For women, this might be easy to do if one brings their purse with them into the bathroom. But here's the appalling thing. Women are bringing just their cell phones into the bathroom. As someone addicted to her own Blackberry, I understand the need to get every text message and IM. But I draw the line at TAKING IT INTO THE BATHROOM.
I overheard a woman have an entire conversation revolving around her daughter's attendance with the front office at her child's school while she was using the restroom. During this conversation the attendance office no doubt heard the flushing of various toilets and the washing of hands. How does one explain this to the person on the other line? I imagine the conversation goes something like this:
Background noise: "FLUSH"
Attendance Office Worker: "What was that noise?"
Woman in Bathroom: Oh, nothing. Now about my daughter...she'll be out today"
Unbelievable.
Ladies, please leave your cell phones at your desk when you use the loo. No-one needs to hear the background noise. No-one.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
38.89 Degrees Celsius
This is what you get when you convert 102 degrees Fahrenheit to Celsius. This is how hot is was today in Phoenix. For those of you that are not from Phoenix you may be wondering what this feels like. Or perhaps you are from here and have moved away and you're feeling nostalgic.
Let me help you.
The next time you have a hair dryer nearby (any will do, really), turn it on and point it at your face.
That is all.
Let me help you.
The next time you have a hair dryer nearby (any will do, really), turn it on and point it at your face.
That is all.
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