Lessons Learned

Let's have a little lesson on the London transit system, shall we? There is the Tube, which is conveniently accessible from the airport and has many different lines going many different directions throughout London. It's very similar to the subway in New York City. However, if you want to venture outside of the metropolitan area, you must either take the National Express (which is the equivalent of Greyhound in the States) or a train. All of this sounds simple, yes/no?

NO.

It is not simple. Right about the time you have become comfortable with having someone's butt in your face as you are seated on the Tube, you dreadfully realize that the next stop is yours. Thus, you must then maneuver yourself and two large suitcases off the train without injuring yourself or, God forbid, holding up the endless stream of British citizens. You are constantly reminded as you exit to "mind the gap!," which is the lovely subway woman voice's way of telling you not to fall on your ass as you exit the Tube.

Once you have successfully removed yourself from the entanglement of Britons, you then realize, that by some civil engineer's idea of a cruel joke, you must then drag yourself and your luggage up 56 steps. This is not as funny as it sounds. Really.

(As a side note, a lovely gentleman volunteered to help Laura with her bags. She was thrilled until he asked if her daughter needed any help. She was not amused.)

The next step is to purchase your ticket for your connecting train to your destination. Again, one might think this to be a relatively simple procedure given that it is disguised as a friendly looking kiosk from where you can purchase said ticket. Not so. Another twenty minutes passes as you try helplessly to figure out the kiosk. And you have no excuse, as it is in English. Again, a nice gentlemen helps you and points you towards Platform 9, which as luck would have it, is the furthest one.

You are growing especially fond of the idea of ditching your suitcases at this point.

Once arriving at Platform 9, you are relieved to find an open seat and collapse from exhaustion.

You think to yourself "ah...a few minutes of shut-eye..." NOPE.

The man behind you strikes up a conversation whose topics include the following:

• real-estate prices in England
• fish pie (which is comprised of exactly what you think it is plus the delectable addition of mashed potatoes and cheese. I'll wait while you go vomit)
• kidney pie (also comprised of what you suspect it is)
• English money and the various coins and their denominations
• beer

Once your train ride comes to end, you are overjoyed at the fact that someone is there to meet you. Your joy is short-lived again when you realize you must find your ticket and exit through a gate. Which, conveniently, is not wide enough for you and your suitcases, resulting in a situation whereby you become stuck. Teenagers, who presumably think fish pie is delicious, find this situation incredibly amusing and make no secret of the fact. By this point, the lack of sleep and patience causes you to momentarily think abut causing an international incident.

But you do not.

It is a good thing, as you will be required to take the train again tomorrow, this time more schooled.