As a frequent traveler, I am unexpectedly amazed at the complete lack of etiquette that people exhibit while doing so. Air transportation is not a novelty at this point; one might assert that it has actually shifted to the category of the mundane. That being said, it is certainly zygotic when compared with common courtesy.
It appears as though some may need a refresher course in this area. Allow me to share some tips:
1. If you are traveling with your immediate, extended and twice-removed family members, kindly have your identification, passport, letter of release from the insane asylum, or permission slip ready for each member of your party before approaching the check-in counter. This makes the fact that you and your party will be taking up half the plane much easier to bear if you quickly get out of the way.
2. Once approaching the security checkpoint, please keep the following tips in mind: everything you have must be examined. Yes, everything. This means your Army-issue tactical belt that you insist on wearing with your jeans will need to come off. Please be assured that your pants will be fine while moving through the short line for x-ray screening. In addition, ladies (or perhaps gentlemen, to be completely inclusive), you must realize that your explanation that your crème foundation is a department store brand that cost $40, and the subsequent hissy fit that follows your being told to discard it because it violates the three-ounce rule will only piss off the people waiting in line behind you.
3. If you approach an airport eatery, be aware that the people who work there probably hate their jobs. Ideally, they should suck it up and be nice. But they won’t. So don’t special order a pizza or cinnamon roll when you can see that they are already made. This will just cause one of these charming employees to spit in your food.
4. Once on the airplane, please find your seat as quickly as possible. While it is oh-so-pleasant to be in a tin can in close proximity to two hundred other people, we are all just as eager as you to socialize. The problem is that we are stuck on an airplane walkway in 110-degree heat and waiting for your slow ass to sit down.
5. If you are inclined to sleep during the flight, please do so silently. Your snoring, while clearly charming to someone at home, is irritating to the aforementioned two hundred people now forced to share your slumber. In addition, if ever in your life someone has mentioned that you snore, believe him or her. Kindly brush your teeth so that when you sit in your seat with your head thrown back in oblivion, the rest of the passengers do not have to smell what you had for lunch.
6. Once in your seat, kindly refrain from thrashing about, if at all possible. Those of us behind you do not appreciate the imminent danger of having our noses broken and are likely to shove you really hard completely accidentally while you are in the midst of sleeping. Please see #5.
7. If you are making a connection, expect that your flight will be late. This almost always happens. Knowing this is half the battle. Shamelessly crawling over children and elderly passengers to claw your way to the door when the plane arrives at the gate is simply bad manners and it makes us want to trip you to slow you down.
8. Please understand that if the shuttle says “Hertz” on the side, it is without a doubt not stopping at the Holiday Inn. This is a stupid question.
Now that you have been briefed, please feel free to employ these tips at your first opportunity.
